after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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