Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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