Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
