She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
