Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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