Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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