Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
