I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
