can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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