i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
