I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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