if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
