Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
