My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
