new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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