My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
