i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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