my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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