Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
