I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
