i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
