seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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