i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
