so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
