Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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