Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
