I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
