I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
