Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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