I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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