i already hear my dad disowning me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
