Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
