fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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