Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Randomize
