Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
