I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
