i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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