i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
