The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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