just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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