The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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