she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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