I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
