im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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