you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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