did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
