Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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