she kept yelling 'call me bella'
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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