At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
