I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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