i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
