found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Someone came in the potted fern
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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