Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
